Should i be upfront with her

InquisitiveMale Guru. My answer is complicated. You don't want to be overly forward otherwise you come off as a player, douche, and someone just after sex. Basically, she should know you find her attractive within the first 30second of meeting her if not instantaneously, but you should treat her in a purely platonic fashion until you've painted a picture of yourself and you're not a complete stranger. Approach her with the mindset of "yes, she's beautiful, but beauty is common.

I wonder what else she has going for her" while conveying that to her by both your conversational ques and the body language you give off. Hell, you can even pose that in the form of a question by asking her What else do you have going for yourself?

Then you slowly vamp things up while continually dropping feelers and giving her the opportunity to convey where she stands. You let her demonstrate to you how fast she wants you to escalate. You can do that through means of physical contact, which really is not an option but is mandatory, by manipulating her body. If you hold her hand does she withdraw or not; things like that.

And of course you can do it through conversational means. So to sum things up, my answer is found somewhere in the middle but with a focus on tailoring your advancements to the individual. Because lets face it, if there was one technique that worked on everyone, then things would be simple and everyone would have someone.

I'm not even sure if I'm answering your question. It's very confusing. Is this still revelant? Be upfront. It's just easier when you understand someone's intentions, and even if you're rejected, remember that we all have a tendency to like people more when we know they like us. And I felt even more guilty when later that week I tried to break things off with him again, because he felt like I had encouraged him to believe I did want a relationship with him.

Just use this time to observe what you observe — is the person keeping in contact with you regularly? By those last two things, I would recommend ending things with your new guy. You are completely correct. Juzz I disagree. I would never date someone who I suspect is shagging other women. I would consider that to be a sign of unavailability. Neither would I date someone who has already told me he is only looking for a casual relationship not looking for anything serious or giving me excuses for upcoming shady behaviour been hurt before, blah, blah, blah, you need to be OVER IT before dating me!

Do not hang around waiting for him to change his mind. Lack of trust? It seems you are misreading his signs and his glaring red flags. He should be trying to impress you by suggesting how wonderfully he plans to treat you. You deserve better! Spot on Natalee! I have really enjoyed reading your postings for the past several months. You are really teaching us a skill — a skill none of us acquired at a young age : how to read people and situations in such a way, as to preempt us from engaging in any relationships which are bad for us.

Bravo to you for offering us your insights. I was someone who thought a casual relationship was for me. It was all set out the terms and conditions like a contract but the reality of it was far different to the terms and conditions set out. One being ignoring me and treating like nobody when in the company of his so called important friends also never going to family events or harem lunches. The above paragraph is so true I think on both our counts for one and two though I think I did the better job of supplying the ego stroke.

I think he was afraid to look like an assclown though at the end of the day he did a spectacular job of it. I went back with a completely different set of terms and conditions and again he came out an assclowwn , but having said this I still own my part in it all.

I chose to participate again after he had showed me his true colours. It can be mind boggling when double speak is added for example he would remind me it was a casual arrangement but sometime would go on how we are more than friends with benefits. Always go with actions. Hi Lilia Harem lunches were the ex eum meeting for lunch with a bunch ladies who fed his ego.

They were made up of ladies who could do things for him invite to openings of events or give him publicity in the newspaper etc. I would always hear about them after the event with the comment I should come along one day. There were other little comments though that always implied I would never attend a lunch. It would be a scene where he would be exposed in how much effort goes into maintaining the harem including one or two exes and how much might be revealed about him.

Amidst all the criticism about conservatism in religion, maybe Orthodox Judaism has it right. Maybe, all this ass clownery can be avoided by women and men getting to know each other without sex. And in reference to what you say in your posts Natalee — a lot of guys who push for sex early in the relationship are not concerned with the long term ramifications of meeting their immediate physical needs.

I am starting feel the same. I tried celibacy in January and only lasted until April. Its really starting to bug me. Then slowly but surely all the talks about not having a woman, not doing relationships but I love you though and all the inconsistent nonsense that went with it.

Their friends never really did have anything good to say and that says a lot really. As with that latest case they wanted me to drop my guard and bust up my boundaries in order to make themselves feel comfortable.

No way! I have to protect myself, keep my standards and my boundaries. Then you slowly and surely take back your power and walk away with your head held high. I have no legitimate beef with my EUM for not being upfront. I know that many of your readers do, though. My thought for this discussion is that upfront or not on the part of the driver, those of us taken for a ride must wise up. Not to assign blame, but to have knowledge and awareness of how the real world is.

Soon I hope, I keep returning to your texts. He again said ok. Thinking I was finally done with him, but NO! He adds me on FB, fine. Then messages me, hello, oh can I adopt his cat since he is moving back to NY? He always wants something! I relented. Said ok. BUT he did ask me to pick him up from his parents, sleep with him and take him home…. I sometimes wonder if these people are mentally aware of what they are doing, and if so, how they can possibly think this kind of behaviour is ok.

Funny… I found an old journal of mine from college. My date found me and pulled me outside to ask me what I was doing. He was upset because he took me there as his date, but I was not acting like a date.

I was finally being upfront then and there after the date and after he confronted me, and he opted out. I looked that guy up on facebook but just looking at his page, not friend requesting … he got married right after college and is successful and has traveled all over with his family. I wanted casual and got it and now have to learn how to get something serious and real. He opted out of casual and got a really good thing.

Thanks for sharing. I like how he put himself on the line without embarrassment. I think not. I had come back to life and God, it felt great. In fact it felt like a gift from God. My first big delusion…. This guy was someone I worked with and at first I had a mild interest, then a crush, then a full-blown case of desire so strong it was like a drug. I had no idea if this guy even knew I was alive, and had no idea if this burning longing for him would ever culminate in anything.

I just wanted him, physically. I just wanted one night with a good man, just some hugs and kisses again. That was my delusional thinking at the time. If ever there was a self-fulfilling prophecy, this was it. Then the next miracle happened, and we had this magical night together. And then a few more nights. I was out of my mind with pure joy.

And then we talked and started to make some emotional connections. It started to appear like there might be a budding relationship starting after all. Big mistake. I can totatly relate to so much of what you have written. No, its not delusional to want to feel again—its human. And after being alone for so long I too felt more dead than alive its wonderful to feel something and to want something.

That after having nothing we are grateful for anything. Of course this leaves us open to the ACs of this universe. It felt wonderful to be with someone, to feel things….. We broke up a little over a month ago. I think back and its not him that I miss.

I miss the hugs and kisses and the sex been divorced 5 years but the last 10 of my marriage were sexless. I miss the connection with another person. But know now it has to be the right person who is sincerely interested in deepening that connection over time. Keep the faith Sadder but Wiser…its hard but you will find your happiness! Had I been smart, I would have thanked him for this incredible and amazing sexual experience, kissed him goodbye and thanked God for this wonderful gift in my life.

Comforting pat on the arm to you, Sadder. Lesson learned. I was kidding myself. And what I have to show for it is, yes, sadness and disappointment, but also lesson learned. I hope you can find a way to unburden yourself of the humiliation.

Perhaps if you frame it as, you were being human, and seeking something very human and wonderful — to love, and be loved — but got led astray for a bit. Chin up. Water off a ducks back etc…. If I want casual, I buy a pair of jeans. Costs less, more comfy, and when you get the right pair, does wonders for the self esteem! Thankyou for yr input. Once I learned the truth it was a whole different ballgame. The lesson for me is to apply that rule strictly regardless of who the person is as well as never date an x again — an x is an x for a reason!

You are SOO right. Seeing the joy in yr beautiful Son is such a precious gift. I had my Son as a young teenage Mother to a peadophile who violently raped me multiple times in a domestic violence situation, when I was an underage teenage girl. Yay me!!!! Oh please universe when the time is right let a lovely man come along to restore my faith in humankind!! So if casual relationships result in no real relationship developing then pls explain this one because I really dont understand.

I started dating who I thought was a single, interesting, funny, smart man. Previously married at 25 which lasted 6 months. Brother died, apparently wife showed no sympathy so he left. No serious relationship in 5 years. Admitted casual relationship with a girl in the office. When I met him he said it was over. Then I find out he is still seeing her off and on, like me I suppose.

This goes on for 18 months — I am the first to admit I should have walked immediately. He disappears, she moves in. I find out through a new mutual friend they are now serious although she started off saying there are just casual, only sleeping with him for a promotion and treats him like a banshee pseudo wife, mainly talks about how he pays for everything. Can someone please explain how her casual relationhip turned into something real based on that.

She even ran off to europe with another man on a holiday he was meant to go on, so how does it go from that to him asking her to move in although we hooked up after she did and him disappearing on me and going to her sisters wedding etc. I dont get it. And now im left alone and they are together. He pays for everything, she cheats on him, he cheats on her. However, if that is what you want, then I think there are men who will play along. If you want a mutually fulfilling, respectful relationship, move along.

Interesting, funny, smart? None of those things point to a decent human being. Maybe he is with her because she is a challenge to him? She sounds just as EU as he does… perfect match. Sorry you are hurting. Sometimes no MOST times! If she is more casual than he is, maybe he chases her harder and seems more committed. Sounds like they are both players and going to keep on messing around so long as they can.

Ugh no. But he lied. Once I got kinda through the pain of being an OW for two years, I had to focus on why I got involved and stayed involved in a dishonest, humiliating, and disrespectful situation.

Try to turn the focus back to you. Good luck to you. My advice to you would be to stop focusing on him and them. Focus on you. You said you are the first to admit you should have walked away when you found out he was carrying on with someone else. There is lesson number one.

There are lessons to be learned. Take a little time to look at what drew you in and why you stayed. Thinking about what is going on with him now is useless and will only drive you crazy. Cuz what does it have to do with you, really? It means that he is still doing his unhealthy, disfunctional thing with someone else.

I know you want to feel validated, you want answers, etc. You have to give yourself your own validation by healing yourself, forgiving yourself, and furthering your own advancement. Time to take a look at your patterns, your fears, your beliefs. Where do you have faulty beliefs… what ARE your beliefs? What can you do to build up your self-esteem and feel happy?

What is important to you in life? It would be better to meet a man who is already capable of developing relationships rather than hoping you can change some assclown into a relationship guy. But to meet that kind of man and recognize him, you need to be a woman who is already capable of developing relationships. Do you jump into bed too quickly without really knowing the guy? You can learn to guide the pace and slow it down so you get sexual after you have a bettter idea of intentions.

Do you fall into fantasies? You can learn to keep your head in reality and look beyond the fantasy that a person provokes in you. Take time off from dating, read a lot of self-help type book and this site, maybe speak to a therapist for a while… focus on YOU.

Just let go of obsessing about him. And, what I needed to read today, too. Im sorry this is confusing you.

Balthazar, would it help you to remember that this man who chose the other woman is also a man who chose to walk out on his marriage after only six months? He and his live-in both sound like complete emotional flakes, given what you and your new mutual friend have to say.

They deserve each other, and I doubt their relationship will last long anyway. Allow yourself to mourn the loss, of course, but keep reminding yourself that he left his wife and he disappeared on you — this is true AC behavior and does not bode well for any relationship with him, ever. I suspect that when this new relationship blows up — and it will — you may have to deal with him coming back and trying to hit reset with you. Get strong and move forward so you can tell him to get lost if he does.

I think this time I have to disagree. We all know what casual means. And you agreed to that when you entered into the arrangement. See how that goes. Grace, this was perfect! I just missed its significance. Not a relationship. Silverbee — that one made me nearly fall out of my chair laughing.

I compromised my integrity for 3 years waiting for him to recognize how wonderful I am… duh. I can accept that. But why not invite me to join them at some point? No More!

The more I read here, the more stupid AC incidents I am recalling and seeing for what they were. I relished the crumbs as I waited for his epiphany.

I know for a fact that the woman xAC is now shacked up with got nothing more than. They too have a Son together. What a lucky thing that I managed to dodge that bullet! I had one child in my life to a horrible person already. Give it time. I suspect all will not be happiness in paradise in the long term as evidenced by their track record with each other already. None of that except protecting yrself from becoming the OW is any of yr business now however. He has chosen to be with her.

He deliberately misled you in the first instance. Take your power back! YOU need to sweep him out of yr heart instead! This willful deception of others is a well oiled game to them which they hone with lifelong practice. Such manipulation combined with an absence of empathy is a major part of what defines who they are. Woe betide those ignore the signs. Yes, I agree that assclowns know what they are doing… but I can add this… I acted like an assclown to guys when I was young in college.

I had crushes around campus was part of the greek system, so lots of parties and such going on. From there I became aware of what I was doing, and I stopped doing it. Maybe that is just part of youth—learning how to treat and be treated. My parents never taught me anything about dating. I think being molested as a child also made me a bit wild. Unfortunately, that meant i went for assclowns. If only I could go back and be different. I kept doing the same thing with different guys, expecting the different result.

They were bigger assclowns than I ever was, so i was hooked. I think a lot of it has to do with the personality… is there a personality disorder, for example. I know that all my life I battled with commitment phobia and had to study myself to figure that out. I chased the men that were more commitment phobic than me because it let me feel the love and not the fear. I never really committed myself to anyone or anything yet claimed I wanted commitment. I can see that all now. Opt out! If I can think of every time a guy turned out to be an assclown, I can identify a moment early on, that something felt wrong.

People should trust their instincts. Do this today. Then hold other men to their standard. Nice men. Who want to be in relationships that are healthy. You will find them if you tough it out and keep your standards high. Doing a compare-and-contrast of the behavior of these bad pennies vs. My ex is not of their caliber.

He thinks he deserves to be in my friendship circle? I think not and my guy friends agree. I recently tried to restart a friendship with my ex.

Foolishly, and goes against a lot of what this blog tells me. Bearing in mind our break-up ended with me starting therapy. I was outraged by his attitude. Yuck Jenny, yuck yuck yuck. He sounds too much like my horrid MM. Let him find someone else. If you and others needed therapy to deal with him in a relationship he aint gonna be good friendship material. Jenny, at the very least, that guy is terribly insensitive.

Boasting about those girls to you is boorish, and suggests to me that he is immature and insecure — none of which are good qualities for a friend, male or female.

He probably believes his behavior was OK because you remained friends. His thinking, if he were such an ass, you would never have communicated with him again. I know. Actually he been my fall back guy. Through out my relationship with my ex narc and a few other pursuits he would contact me randomly and test the waters to hook up.

I had NO intention of making him a BF or to be upgraded. Happy guy was a FWB. On the suggestion of a flatmates observation of him, I stupidly tried to hang with him and go on dates and see if it could go further.

My loins didnt like it and he got very confused. So I admitted that casual is all it will ever be and asked him to stop with the pseudo-relationship behaviour and just be booty call with minimal interaction teals out, conversation etc..

He ignored my message. I sent him on both phone and Facebook. A month went by and I deleted him from my life. How did I know I finally grew up?

When I flushed every single last ex, hanger on and admirer. At the grand old age of That wasnt really my point though, I knew the rules, no rights etc in a casual relationship, however how come their casual r ert latio.

Although I have serious doubts she new about me, so perhaps I was just the other woman while he was waiting for her? Which I suppose makes my whinge obselete! And at the end of the day why would I want a guy like that? He told me she was a temporary house guest because her brother kicked her out and would be away for work most of the time…part if me feels a bit sorry for her — she would have been telling everyone she was moving in with her boyfriend.

Argh, I cant believe I have been so stupid!!! You do have rights. You have the right to walk away. You also have the right not to stalk his new relationship and to move onto better things. You have the right to NC him. It sounds like they are both as bad as each other. Misery loves company, right? You came with the option of a well-rounded relationship that would require mutual respect and effort.

She came with the option of a relationship where they can both suck the life out of each other by feeding each others egos until they are both left in a mentally unstable mess. You got a lucky escape! You live, you learn. Was she a casual FBG with benes who got upgraded?

Please spend some time focusing on the fact that he is a liar as well as a cheat. A temporary house guest? I was buried in the weeds of why her and not me. I overlooked the fact that he was a liar and a cheat. Natalie has written about this phenomenon of giving to him what you need. It has always caught my attention and made me think.

Balthazar, you have indications that all is not well, regardless of the details. Fearless and I and so many others have great stories about flogging that three legged donkey to no avail. Bail fast and focus on you. The guy is a loser. But guessing about what motivates him now is not the important thing. You did know the rules.

Why did you accept the rules? No one was harsh with me. They all analyzed the guy with me, they obsessed with me and let me obsess. No one just straight out asked me what was going on with ME.

So I have to ask you… what is going on with YOU. So do you chose to obsess on him or to look inside you and learn what makes you tick, what you want, what you value?

You have opportunity to really grow. I do know how hard it is. I have had to put notes on my phone telling me not to call a guy. I have had to write in a journal everyday asking the universe to give me strength to get through. I have filled up notebooks with all my feelings and obsessions and questions. Do that. Answers wont; come from him, they come from you. Forgive yourself, too. I am attracted to a guy from work and we hooked up almost a year ago as casual since he had a girlfriend.

We get together for drinks, I give him a ride home and when I say I should get going he told me he broke up with his girlfriend. Stupid me took advantage of his advanced and spent the night. Then what? His ex girlfriend picks up his check at work?? I immediately texted him assuming he lied to me about breaking up.

He assures me he is single. I have totally let myself down by being too easy. NOW, yesterday again, the ex picks up his check. SO frustrating. Why would he say it 4 times if he was joking? Maybe that is what he wants and the two of us need to buck up and just talk about it.

I think we completely intimidate each other and just take advantage of the times we end up hooking up. Want Trust me on this, he is not in the slightest bit intimidated. In my experience, they can barely look you in the eye. This started out all wrong with the cheating. I think you need to walk away and not try to turn a big mistake into a proper committed relationship.

This is one screw up after another. Let it go. Do it like this: 1. Go on a date 2. Find out if he is single 3. Go on more dates 4. Hang out together in groups 5. Find out if you want the same things 6. Have sex and some people wait until marriage. Lie to each other about status and intentions 3. Start dating. Stop the childish texting, stop trying to make your mistakes good. You made a mistake, let it be that. Save your dignity. This guy is really shady and has repeatedly lied to you!

Girl, you can do so much better. This guy has shown you who he is, do you really want to be treated like his current GF? Keep in mind that sometimes the rules that are most crucial for you to follow through on might be the ones that are the least fun to keep, so try not to blow off your own dating rules just because you find them challenging.

You put them in place for a reason—trust yourself, girl! Now, if you're struggling to figure out your own dating rules, I might be able to help you out. I coach a lot of women and men! These are my top 11 dating rules to consider in this wild world of modern romance. Choose the rules that work for you, ditch the ones that don't, and of course, experiment as needed to find your own.

There's no right or wrong here. Yes, you heard me! Before you enter an agreed-upon monogamous relationship, do yourself a favor and play the field. Because here's what's most likely to happen if you don't: You meet someone you really like, you go out with them again, things escalate, and then—bam—they either pull away, ghost, or tell you they're not looking for something serious.

Now you're crushed because you're emotionally invested in them—but they haven't invested at all in you. When you're even the slightest attached to a person, the disappointment stings. Spare yourself the hurt by putting a metaphorical egg in several baskets. I like to tell my clients not to let dates go on for more than 90 minutes. That's enough time to get to know the person on a surface level and hopefully feel a spark, but not long enough that your brain starts getting carried away with the excitement of the potential.

Dinner dates that spontaneously turn into a five-hour bar crawl or movie night can be incredibly fun, but they can also leave you in a state of confusion and despair if nothing develops from the marathon outing afterward. Not to mention, when you keep dates brief, you're less likely to burn out and swear off dating if they're not all that great. Make your love life easy on yourself! If, that is, indeed what you want.

There's nothing to be gained by hiding the fact that you're ultimately looking for your forever person, but there's a lot you can lose by it. For one, your emotional sanity when the person you've been dating digs their heels in keeping things casual, and two, a lot sometimes a LOT of time. If you're worried that telling a potential partner you want a relationship in general, not necessarily with them because you think it'll scare them off or make you seem desperate, let go of that idea.

Anyone who bails when you're honest about your intentions isn't someone who would stick around in the long run, anyway, so you're doing yourself a solid. An oldie but a goodie dating rule, for a reason: Talking about past relationships and breakups gets heavy fast, and the first few dates should be light and easy.

Sure, finding out how someone's last few major relationships ended—and opening up about how yours did, too—is a great way to learn about the person and connect on a deeper level. But there's plenty of time for that later, so hold off for the first handful of dates. I totally understand why some women might not want to accept a last-minute date or have a Three-Day Rule, or some such , but I wouldn't write off someone based on how far or not far in advance they initiate a date.

Some people are just not great planners! And everyone knows how hectic life can be. I would, however, notice if they mention plans and then don't follow up on them when the day comes—you want a mature adult who's willing and able—not to mention, interested enough—to make things happen. Of course, if you feel like they habitually hit you up out of convenience or they rarely make an attempt to show you that they're thinking about you, then you should feel free to let them know